


The Golden AU

by WilhelmAres



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Gen, IF you actually are looking for shipping, Inspired By Tumblr, This is, Tumblr Prompt, attempted comedy, you aren't finding it here
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-05-29 02:57:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15063497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WilhelmAres/pseuds/WilhelmAres
Summary: A simple day in Paris, very close to canon. If you consider talking Camembert, a giant Alix, an army of dragons, and a human kwami anywhere related to canon.





	The Golden AU

**Author's Note:**

> I've cracked, and this is the outcome: trying to fit as many posts/prompts from terrible-miraculous-ladybug-aus into one coherent au crackfic as I can! Please put anyone who finishes this out of their misery.

On ~~221B Baker St~~ 12 Rue Gotlib, Paris, a young girl opened her eyes. Not for the first time, obviously, as this young girl is 14 years old. It's actually closer to her fifty-one hundredth time. Only, like the last seventy or so times, she immediately spots a cookie/macaroon/beetle monster. The fear lessens every time the creature is spotted, however it constantly grows with the being's growth. It's tail-butt coiled around itself, it's eyes pierced through Marinette Dupain-Cheng's very soul, and it screamed the scream of a man shot in the scrotum, or a woman going through a relatively painless birth.

 

" **MARINETTE! IT'S TIME TO WAKE UP, MARINETTE! YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE!"** Tikki the Ladybug kwami (or qwami, kwaami, kawami, kwamii, or any other similar spellings, apparently) said in the one tone of voice she was physically (magically?) capable of. The creation goddess cannot create a new voice.

 

"Stop screaming! It's two in the morning! I closed my eyes three damn seconds ago! I've never been late to anything!"

 

" **AND I'M NOT LETTING YOU START NOW!"** the adorable-if-loud-voice shouted.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Either across Paris or a block away, and five hours later, Adrien Agreste woke up to the disgusting sight of a wheel of camembert cheese consuming- inhaling even- a second wheel of camembert. Apparently, the first wheel, or Plagg, was actually supposed to be a cat. Whatever a cat was, Adrien didn't know. He asked Max the first time after a week with the class, and Max had no idea. Plagg explained it that night as an animal the Egyptians worshipped; Adrien helpfully corrected him that the animal he's talking about is called a _sloth._ (It wasn't helpful. At all. Plagg started complaining about how all his kittens died off).

 

"Why? Do you ever stop eating?" the boy begged the cheese. The cheese floated to eye level, turned around to what Adrien presumed was eye-to-eye contact (he was showing his rear to him dramatically. Plagg really hated being a wheel of camembert.), and spake thus:

 

"What am I supposed to do? Your father turned the entire town of Camembert into a mass manufacturing center! You have infinite cheese for me!"

 

Knowing this is a losing battle, Adrien simply went on his daily routine, as dictated from Nathalie Sancoeur. Specifically, getting sprayed down with enough anti-bacterial, anti-viral, anti-odor, antiperspirant deodorant to kill all sea life to keep him from ever removing his clothes.

 

Gabriel still wonders how the hell it doesn't kill Adrien. He also wonders how it preserved his clothing to the point it grows with him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

"TIME TO DUEL, MARINETTE! TEN PACES, LETS GO!" a singing tiara on top of Juleka's head sung, screamo-style. Jules (can I call you Jules? No? Okay.) Juleka pointed towards the walking rose bush. The reasons the rose bush was still free were: she's a rose bush, and thus cannot be tried for any crime; she's a foreign dignitary from both Pixtopia, on behalf of Princess Juleka, and the Kingdom of Achoo, on behalf of Prince Ali (handsome is he); and she issues a duel to every officer who tries to arrest her, which she invariably wins. She's already killed 15% of Paris's police force.. She's considered a larger threat than the akuma, and a cause for war against Achoo.

 

 _'Hell no'_ the secret hero thought. She also shouted it while running away, ending up dodging a bullet from a dueling pistol. _'Why did Juleka have to take her to see Hamilton!? At least before that, Rose only dueled with her branches. God I hate ~~Shakespeare~~ Musicals'._

 

Because she was lost in thought, and not looking where she was going, Marinette tripped. But, because she's actually extremely graceful, she did a perfect handstand launching into a 720 degree front flip over Alya Jr, the unicorn nobody ever mentions or acknowledges. Alya rated it a 6/10, on account of seeing her do a 1080 backflip from a slide over an object she accepts the existence of several times before.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Adrien had a much different way to school. First, he reported to the Gorilla. Second, he walked to the roof. Next, he jumps off the roof into the mouth of a frost breathing fire dragon, who's power mixes together to form a sauna-like environment. He spends roughly five minutes sweating in the maw of the ancient beast before it flies to the back of the pack and spits him into the golden chariot, guided by the magical singing voice of Sabrina Raincomprix. During it all, Gabriel wonders how exactly did his control of Adrien slip so far, before remembering he hasn't actually used it in a few years.

 

"Thanks for the ride, again! These dragons are freaking awesome!"

 

"No problem! Chloe's dad, Mayor Bourgeois, bent some rules so my dad could import them from the hellish wasteland of Komodo!"

 

 

* * *

 

 

Unfortunately for Marinette and her hatred of musical theater, a Broadway performance troop ended up stranded in Paris due to some extremely bad planning (who exactly put them on a plane with a layover in Paris to get from NYC to NYC?).

 

"Don't you listen to the news!?" the redheaded male screeched. "There are these demon creatures that attack, using sad or angry people as their vessels! It's the Best Day Ever, it's the Best Day Ever, it's the Best Day Ever..." he started sing-chanting in a futile attempt of overdone happiness. Futile, mainly because a little black butterfly fluttered by looking for his fear.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> list of AU's  
> 1\. Kwamis are what they eat (Tikki is a red-died chocolate chip cookie, Plagg is a wheel of camembert)  
> 2\. Tikki screams everything  
> 3\. Tikki grows longer everytime Marinette uses lucky charm  
> 4\. Gabriel runs a fast food empire (mass produced camembert burgers)  
> 5\. Marinette has never been late for school  
> 6\. Nino is always two feet to the left of the camera  
> 7\. Cats and Ladybugs (and the rest of the miraculous animals) don't exist.  
> 8\. Rose challenges everyone to a duel.  
> 9\. Juleka wears a singing tiara  
> 10 Juleka is a fairy princess  
> 11\. There is a unicorn who follows alya that nobody acknowledges named alya jr.  
> 12\. Sabrina has 10 dragons that she rides to school with


End file.
